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Our
Mission Statement
Updated 2/20/07
Why did we published this to
the web?
We created this web site for those couples
who are already looking into exploring relationship options, to expand
that which they have created into something more. More does not
have to mean more people, but also more intimacy between yourselves
through learning more about each other. Like; more knowledge about
your mate's secret desires and hang-ups that they may have feared to share with
you in the past. Also learning more about yourself in the process.
We also have garnered a lot of information and insights from interviewing
many people who have remained monogamous or had open-relationship experiences.
Each of these people have helped to give life to these pages.
These interactions, as well as our natural need to question 'why'
has led us to publish this web site: an exploration into
alternatives to strict monogamy. It deals with activities
as harmless as going to a strip club together, nudism, or hot tubing
with others in a clothing optional setting. Or all the way to full on
swinging and extreme fetishes. Many people we've met had never
consider the possibility that it could be other than 'All-or-Nothing'.
It does not worry us as much that these fears held them back from exploring.
It is those who decided they had to dive in with both feet, and wound-up
trashing their primary relationship with the fall-out of those experiences
they were not prepared to handle. It is not so easy to step back
from that and pretend it never happened. There is the old saying 'What does not kill you, makes you stronger',
but are you prepared to pay that price? We've heard from
many sources that swinging will only strengthen your relationship.
That may be true, if it survives. Don't think this is something that
will not test the strength of your bond like nothing else can. That
said:
What is our hammer?
This web site is designed to be written as impartial and
un-biased as possible, but our primary goal with this web site is to preserve your primary relationship, if considering some relationship options. It is written mostly to those who are already
in a long-term relationship. We feel it is important to have
mastered relationship skills before expanding your relationship. We are not here to sell you on a
way of life, either way. Our only aim is to paint a realistic
picture of both sides to relationship alternatives, the good, the
bad, and the ugly, so you can better talk about it between the two of you
and decide for yourself what is best for your relationship.
To be more specific; this is not intended to convert couples into stepping
beyond monogamy, or scare them enough to keep them from experimenting.
You are going to do what you will. Perhaps these pages of
information might help you go into this with a much better
understanding and caution. If nothing else; we would love to see
infidelity stopped before it happens by opening up the lines of
communication.
Not to put this issue
all on men, but it's a shame that more men cannot afford a 'Real Dolls' made of silicone rubber to take
out those frustrations on. They can know for a certainty that she will be
plenty attractive, not be too picky, complain, or throw a fuss, and
talk about safe sex. (LOL) Wouldn't
that be cool! OK, I digress here, but our aim is to make a point. We are dealing with
real people after all. It's not just a mechanical car that would
not complain, or have qualms coming back to you.
That's kind of funny if you think about it; Swingers seem to be
far less open to share their automobile with close friends, let along
complete strangers than their mate. Are they so sure that their
mate will happily come back, with little to no damage?
Decisions, Decisions,
Decisions:
We find that for many people the idea of soft-play with regards
to their boundaries has not only been a concept that they had never
considered, but that it is also not a popular concept for those looking
to expand their horizons. They seem to be stuck on the 'All-or-Nothing'
concept. Or for them, what is the point if it is not going to
go all the way? You may also find it hard to connect with others who
share the same philosophy in
the lifestyle, who will not challenge your resolve. It is like buying a car, where it is so
overwhelming for many people, with all the choices out there for this
very important decision to make with salesmen trying desperately to
push you into the car they want you to buy.
For some people that works. They play separately and do not want
to talk about what happened. They feel it is easier for them
if they do not have to face what is really
going on. You will find this very common, even in the polyamorous
community. This is a strategy that may work for the moment, but over
time tension and resentments will most likely build to an unmanageable level,
yet
there is no positive outlet established.
Power and Control:
A healthy balance in decision making should always the best goal,
but it seems we have yet to evolve to reach that possibility. The lifestyle
has clearly shown to only work when the females are primarily in charge of what
will or will not happen, with their man perhaps as the negotiators, but
completely subservient to them. He also needs to not harbor
disappointment, let alone resentment for what does or does not happen
within an interaction, or it will be a sudden bust.
Most any woman will easily sense the slightest problem there and
allow few
interactions to happen after that point, since he cannot handle his role properly.
Do not kid yourself.
as an example in the BDSM community the dom only pretends to be in charge, but
the sub is really the person in charge, or it is simply abuse. This
lifestyle is a situation where the female must truly be in charge though.
It is very rare that a man can be the dom and have the couple survive
it. Maybe you are that rare man who will not get too carried away
and be able to instinctively know just what she can handle?
Women hold their sexuality in a way most men will never be able to comprehend.
Sex for them holds far greater consequences that they have had to live
with their whole life. It is all they have ever known and cannot
escape. They tend to feel life and emotion in a way that few men will
ever come close to knowing.
Aside from any children you may have, you both are individuals,
but together you have created a third entity that you have given life
to; your relationship. If a situation is not good for both of you, it
cannot be good for either of you. It would be wonderful to see
equal balance in this achieved, but that may not be a possibility
but for only one couple in a thousand. A drastic example would be where Third World Countries have
some serious human rights issues, and the US feels that they cannot
wait for them to evolve, so they go the opposite route of just teaching and
setting a good example with heaps of patience. Instead they feel they must brutally force
those societies to submit to their evolved ideals of humanity and compassion.
Do you see the hypocrisy here?
As men we exert as much control in our business world, although in
relationships we have failed to observe and learn, so now is the time to willingly
submit, or suffer. Time is running out.
Here are some of the options and their advantages or disadvantages,
beyond the obvious.
What about Monogamy?
We honor and support the one-on-one relationship, and feel
the state of monogamy is a viable relationship option, when done with
genuine care, love, and honesty (see:
Relationships Skills).
And we also feel if done well some alternative connections can be
beneficial as well as stimulating for a couple; like just having
friends over for a harmless dinner party. Opening the door
to other possible relationships, so we do not feel completely confined in a relationship.
Although these sort of harmless encounters have often led to
adultery, but who wants to be totally cut off from the world outside
this one couple dynamics?
What about Swingers?
We personally feel that starting out with full intercourse
swinging with relative strangers is very reckless, dangerous, and fool
hardy for a couple who is new to exploring relationship options.
We have observed that sort of wild abandon tear apart many a marriage.
(Our primary goal with this web site is to preserve
your primary relationship, if considering some relationship options.)
What are you suggesting?
Most couples seem to think there is only one other
alternative to monogamy. They think that jumping into the
world of full on swinging is the only alternative. There are
many varying degrees or boundaries to set: from a tame snuggle party, where is is stated that
all the participants are to keep their clothes on
(see lovetibe.org).
There are several online groups promoting couples who want to maintain
the boundaries of
soft-swinging,
where intercourse is not the goal of an encounter, and when things
get heated up they can reconnect with their own mate to finish
off the evening right. There is also polyamoury, where starting off dating
another person or even couples together is the goal for an addition to your long-term
relationship (see:
finding
the unicorn). And of course there are
hundreds of places on the web to seek connections with those who are
looking to get wild and crazy with married strangers, but I'd like
to think we do not need to tell you what a train-wreck that would
lead to.
Basic Risks?
We have some reservations about taking an alternative relationship
further into sexual intercourse. When it cost you all you have
worked for to build a life together with your mate, not to mention what
you had hoped to achieve later on down the road. Once you
have made a good connection and even bonded with another couple, maybe
then you could better handle the drama and risk of intercourse outside
your marriage. It may certainly have it's dangers and pitfalls,
but what relationship doesn't? (We
have been sexually adventurous since early 1999, but have yet to find
one other person we can connect with where we chose to take it to a
more personal level and sex).
What's a good qualifier for
a sexual partner?
Not that you need to actually sign this
other person onto your checking account, but as a mental qualifier;
do you know and trust this person enough to handle your money or credit
cards? Because you are trusting them with a whole lot more than
that, even to have protected oral sex with you, since you are
still risking very serious and life threatening disease. Make
no bones about it!
Are we ready for this?
Casual sex is usually very exciting, but we see that if we
as a society are to evolve and figure out how to do things well, we
need to learn to stop treating other people as objects, that are easily
discarded. We may not want to be stuck in a bad situation, but
in a pleasant encounter, we would not appreciate being used and discarded,
so we should not do that to others. Until we learn to truly care
for one another, we do not see how it can ever work for such intimate
interactions between just two people. For many, it would be best
to not have explored with an open relationship in the first place, for
they are not ready, and may not be in this life time. We all need
to first work towards mastering one-on-one relationship skills.
Caution?
We do
caution those who have yet to experiment with any sort of open relationship
options, as it will complicate your life in ways you are not likely
to imagine possible. It may shake the very foundation of your
relationship. Even if you feel it is as solid as they come. Our
curiosity into this has been something we regret in some ways.
It was hardly worth the cost, time, disappointments, and turmoil we
have suffered. If you are not sure about this, or run into complications,
please allow yourselves the time off to work out and sort through your
thoughts and feelings.
Why even go there then?
We feel there are good reasons to explore these options, like:
(a) to learn more about yourself, and your partner, through discovery
of what 'love' means to you both, and the
many layers the term 'caring' can have.
(b) to relax some of the restrictive confines of what society as
a majority would deem appropriate behavior in a relationship.
(c)
to share and delight in the broader expressions of
love and affection we feel compelled to express, outside monogamy.
Solutions?
What you read here may aid in avoiding the ever present problems
of cheating, serial monogamy, and/or stagnation of your current sex
life. Hopefully these web pages will inspire you both to take
the time to think over your relationship, and better discover what the
bond you share means to both of you. Hopefully you can both honestly
communicate about your deepest desires and the possible options available
to you, 'together'. We would hope
for you to be a little smarter about such decisions through education,
open honest communication, and a deep respect for your mate's needs
and feelings.
 What
about about us?
We feel such a close connection
to each other, we consider us Soulmates.
This web site does not necessarily reflect our personal boundaries or
how active we are in any sort of open-relationship. That
information is something we keep private to ourselves, for discretion
is key here. We may tell more (excluding
any names of course) to those few people we may choose to share
with; on a more one-to-one basis. But certainly not here on the
web for just anyone to read.
Who are you to tell the world
about this?
We would only hope for this web site to help you be a little wiser
and safer about your approach to these alternative connections you may
discover. We do not claim to be the authority on healthy relationships.
We only hope to help you maintain, if not strengthen your bond of love,
compassion, and understanding of one-another's true self.
If this information does nothing more than inspire a good deal of
insightful talk and a better understanding between the two of you, we
feel we have succeeded here. That is truly all we really hope
for from all this. There is no financial gain for us, so your
written comments is our only direct pay-off for the effort we put into
this site. Feel free to click on our picture above to write us
a note with either questions, praise, and/or constructive criticism.
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