The Art of Opening Sensuality Page #12

Jealousy & Love

Do not believe that you “should not” feel jealousy in a situation. Jealousy is a normal emotion that can be used as a cue that something is wrong. Think of it as a valuable tool. If you were a construction worker who needs to get up on high places a lot, it is not for you to conquer all fear of heights. It is for you to use this emotion to safe guard yourself. Maybe you need to rethink your safety measures, since you cannot afford to fall off even once.

Ask your self how jealous do I feel? Why do I feel jealous? Is this just a light twinge that will pass? If the feelings begin to feel overwhelming then it is time to use your voice, and even stop what is going on that is making you feel uneasy, for the sake of re-evaluation. If the people you are with care about you, they will not have qualms about discontinuing. Even if it means that this activity may never resume. If you face these issues and work through them to where you feel better about things, then you do not have a bigger problem to face later.

This does not mean that you are to find a way to stuff this feeling and find a way to conform to other people's wishes. If you feel pressure from these other people to just get over it, you need to re-evaluate whether they truly care about you. You should be encouraged to embrace these feelings, and to sort out why you feel this way to work out real solutions. If you do not face this, do not fool yourself that it will not resurface, as it was never resolved. It must resurface to finally be dealt with. And even if you feel that it was laid to rest, give yourself leeway for it to resurface from time to time. It is normal for solutions to not be an instantaneous and permanent cure. It also may be that the solution was not as effective a cure as you might have hoped, and you need to continue to brain-storm this issue.

Most people feel twinges of jealousy, or a feeling of uncomfortability that passes easily, but at times they become more than just twinges. Listen to your instincts. Many people try to dissect why jealousy comes up ie: insecurities, self-doubts, lack of trust etc. It really does not matter at the moment why it comes up, as it is a real issue for you and need attention. Listen to it, and learn what is best for you. Chances are, if you do face it as it arises, you and your partner may make some grave mistakes you may regret, and pay a much heavier price for later.

Love

There is another way to think of this. A healthy and proper sense of love for another person is where; 'you find joy in seeing them happy and fulfilled', perhaps even at the exclusion of yourself (within reason of course). This needs to be more selfless than we typically see, and not so free of restrictions that it bridges on uncaring. It does not mean that your feelings and needs should not matter. On the contrary. Any healthy relationship works to maintain a good sense of balance, or it falls into the realm of 'co-dependant'.

If you truly love someone, you should feel desire to see them happy, or even expressive when they are not feeling so good, so they are able to process their emotions. It is an incredible gift to provide a safe haven to vent, without having to be instantly fixed or solved. Not an easy thing to do.

This is not a philosophy that you are to emulate, just because you agree it is a good idea. It has little value until you really own it. Love is not something you should try to fake. If you are not there, that is OK, and any lasting evolution takes time. Allow yourself and your mate this time to gain a better understanding.

This is not the same as: 'set them free, and if they come back, they are yours. But if they don't, they never were' ideal. You do not need this to see if someone loves you. It will be quite evident when you evaluate whether they derive such joy in seeing you happy, even at their exclusion. You also do not need this test to show you love them. Again, you just need to work on what your concept of love is. Time apart is no way to assure that your way of thinking will change in a long term manner.